Devilcat tip #9: feet & ankles

I thought I'd start off the new year with another devilcat tip -- on feet & ankles.

The first thing to remember (the only thing, really) is that ankles -- human ankles, that is -- are your enemy. For this reason, you must ATTACK whenever you see bare feet and ankles. ATTACK with claws and teeth. Pretend you are trying to disembowell the ankle and you should do fine.

The best thing is that the moment your human lifts his foot to get it out of the way -- there's the other foot to attack! They can't possibly win, except by lifting feet onto a chair, and boy do they look stupid then! He he he.

I should also add that drawing blood is perfectly OK. Your humans won't like it, and will probably shout at you, but this is about being a devilcat, after all!

NOTE: Any human who kicks you during your foot/ankle killing endeavours is evil and not worth your time, let alone devilcat skills. Leave such a human immediately and without regret. Find one who loves the devilcat persona within.

Devilcat tip#8 - what to do with insects

It's butterfly season again - glorious. You'll also find lots of flies buzzing about. Both make marvellous playthings. Fun to catch, but even better to dismember.

Just remember that the best place to do this is inside. By all means, bring your playthings in and show off to your humans just how clever you are. They'll be especially thankful if you can catch the flies that come inside of their own volition (fools). Just leave the remains on the floor and the humans will pick them up. Sometimes the butterflies are not quite dead, and their desperate, pathetic, feeble fluttering is worth a look.

You may also notice the occasional cockroach. Ah, these are fun to play with too - only take care to do so away from humans, or they'll scream - or, worse, vomit. That's what Ellen almost did when I left a half-mangled roach on the floor in her bedroom once. She didn't like that at all. He he. On the other hand, it was rather fun seeing her reaction! She likes me killing the suckers, but doesn't what to acknowledge their existence.

Other fun bugs to play with are cicadas (but they make an awful racket when you bring them inside) and spiders of course. E thinks her huntsman died of natural causes! Little does she really know.

Devilcat tip #7 - bedroom behaviour

There are two different types of humans: those who allow us felines to sleep on their beds, and those who don't. I am very lucky to have a human who does allow me on the bed. In fact, she even allows me in the bed. The trick to maintaining devilcat status is to be unpredictable. The moment humans expect anything of you, you're doomed.

I mix up my bedroom behaviour. Sometimes, I'm there quite early, on the bed before E is asleep. Othertimes, I lurk around outside the bedroom, ignoring her inquiring calls, waiting to sneak in much later, in the middle of the night.

The other thing to mix up is location. There's the option of ON the bed. When choosing this option, it's essential to find a comfy warm position between your human's legs. This may sound rude, but if you're on top of the doona, it's fine. (It is also extremely irritating for your human, who is pinned and cannot move! I find it perpetually amazing how pathetic humans can be, not wanting to wake us up and all. Don't they know we wake and sleep both in a flash?)

If you want something even more cozy, there's the option of IN the bed. My favourite spot is between the doona and top sheet. That way, you're separate from your human, with all the benefits of being beneath the doona. You can also go under the sheet, but I don't recommend this as highly as the other option. Of course, if your human doesn't have a top sheet, you don't have a choice! When in the bed, the best spot is in the small of your human's back.

Always go towards the CENTRE of the bed, never the side. This way, you can nudge your human so far to the edge that they almost fall out!

If you're feeling particularly mischievious, you can head down towards the feet and attack. Most humans HATE this.

Finally, it's worth mentioning that beneath the doona is a brilliant place to sleep if you're feeling low. I find if I'm somewhere I'd rather not be (such as the island) I can slip under the doona and pretend I'm somewhere else. There's the added advantage that stupid humans can't find you! (I played this trick on T on the island recently. He he.)

Devilcat tip #6 - how to be a lap cat

For some reason, humans seem to expect cats to sit on their laps. Beats me why this should be. I mean, it might provide US with a nice soft, warm place to curl up (despite the wriggling), but what do THEY get out of it?

I'll never know. Anyway, here are some very special tips about sitting on laps that will ensure you maintain your devilcat status even while performing this task.

1. Do not make the move towards the lap until you know your human is about to get up. Nothing annoys a human more than having you curl up to sleep just when the ad break during which they've decided to visit the loo or put the kettle on arrives. Or even a few minutes before the show ends and they're about to go do something else.

2. Humans who sit at computers do not really like having cats on their laps, even though it makes them feel loved. It forces them to sit awkwardly and type with their keyboard on an angle. It also makes them sit back from the screen they like to squint at so intently.

3. If you do have a human who sits at the computer, a good trick is to curl up on their lap and then attack their wrist as they try to type or move the computer mouse. [NOTE: Computer mouses are not good to eat.]

4. Knead the lap well before curling up to sleep. Claws OUT.

5. Never stay on the lap for more than about 10 minutes. This is plenty of time to show love, and you will find that your favourite bed (or, in my case, cushion) is much more comfortable anyway.

There you have them. My top five tips for lap sitting. Go now and practice.

Devilcat tip#5: the pros and cons of the litter tray

This is one area in which I definitely excel, so take note, friends!

This is important. Be fussy about your litter tray. If your human doesn't change it immediately after you've used it, go outside. If you can't go outside, go on the floor. It's as simple as that.

Humans clean their toilet regularly enough, so why do they expect us to put up with reeking wet gravelly stuff? After all, we have to stand in it. It's totally gross. I can assure you that the above-mentioned tactics work a treat and will ensure a pristine litter experience every time.

OK, so going on the floor will always earn you some yelling and glaring. But they get over it.

For the record, my cat litter of choice is Maxx's.

Devilcat tip#4: scratching posts . . .

. . . are for using sometimes, but not all the time.

Don't be fooled by those humans who expect you to work out on the same piece of equipment day in, day out. There is more to life than that.

Try for some variation in your scratching. Sure, the couch arms are an old favourite of cats around the world, me included, but it's possible to get really creative. Instead of the couch, try the office desk chair, or the bed head, or the rug on the floor . . . or, if you're really game, your human's leg. I've also found that scratching underneath chairs is a really fun activity, and the humans don't get too upset, because they figure no-one can see the damage.

Whatever you do, do it properly. Don't let anyone deter you from your chosen scratching place. It's an important part of your daily routine, so don't compromise.

Devilcat tip#3 - the best way to wake up humans

Take one claw, flex to test, then prod sleeping human anywhere on head or face. Cheek works well. Below eye is guaranteed. Scalp also very effective.

Be prepared for humans to try to stroke you in calmness, but don't be swayed! Sit on their pillow and, ever so deliberately, stick claw into skin.

This works. Every time. Take it from me.

Devilcat tip#2 - annoy other cats

It's very important when you're a devilcat to consistently and persistently annoy other cats. This can take the form of hissing and howling through windows (if you're confined inside), or physically terrorising other felines.

The latter is particularly important when those felines invade your territory. DO NOT STAND FOR THIS. The moment you see one coming your way, you must attack attack attack immediately. Hiss, growl, snarl -- whatever it takes.

But it's also fun just to annoy them for the sake of it. You can do this by either taunting them through the window, or invading their space in return. You've got to show them who's boss all the time.

Devilcat tip#1 - bench walker

This might sound obvious, but if you want to get up on the kitchen bench then get on the bench! If they bat you off, then get up again. And again. And again.

Believe me, their patience will fade faster. They have things they'd rather be doing, such as watching TV, or eating. If you think they're going to stand there all day and bat you off the bench, you're nuts. (You could throw in some snarling and biting and scratching as well.)

Eventually, they'll give up and you'll be free to stalk the benches anytime you like. It's a great place to find food. (But that's another tip . . .)

Devilcat tips - listen up

In response to dire need, I've decided to start a new series on 'how to be a Devilcat'. I can't believe how pathetic so many of you cats out there can be.

If you want to be the kind of feline that has those pesky vets donning gloves and then still being unable to get a hand in the cage, then this series is for you.

Also, I am keen to hear any devilcat stories you may have (or at least stories about when you might have attempted to be a devilcat). Let's share the power!

The first tip starts next post.