Pathetic (reputation shattered)

Ellen is home.

For three weeks I've been planning and plotting how I'm going to punish her, so that when she got home she would vow and declare never to do it again. (So, I'll admit it. Being home alone isn't all it's cracked up to be. A weekend is fine. No worries. But three weeks? That's just cruel and BORING.)

Many things passed through my mind (some of which Beth has alluded to in her previous post). But how to make it really good? A punishment worthy of the period of time? After all, I've been known to leave deposits after a mere weekend! Surely three weeks deserves something more. Bigger. Grander. More of a statement! (And bodily fluids are so passe!)

So I had it all worked out. I was going to hide. Hide, so that she thought I'd run away. I was going to stay away all day, make her feel really bad. (As well as all the bodily fluid deposits of course.)

But in this I have failed dismally. I took one look at her this morning and disintegrated into a blubbering mess. I meowed and cried and sooked, and followed her around the house, completely unbelieving she was finally home and fearful she would disappear again.

I am so PATHETIC. I still cannot allow her to leave my sight. The mere thought makes me quake.

I didn't even leave her ANY deposits. I clean forgot.

So much for my devilcat reputation!

Tricksy

So. She really did it. Went away and left me. It's after midnight on Friday and it's been nearly a week. All on my own.

I've been very good. Haven't left any deposits on the floor. I've even sussed out my cat door and I can roam free all night and all day (when I'm not sleeping on my cushion).

Thelma from next door is feeding me -- hasn't forgotten once! I've decided I'm going to try not to hiss at her, because if I keep hissing she might stop feeding me, and that would be BAD. So I'm TRYING to be on my best behaviour.

But every so often I play a little trick on her. Sometimes I see her coming and I bolt out of my cushion and hide somewhere in the house - or outside - just so I can watch her crawl around the house looking for me (he he he).

But I'm trying to be on my best behaviour.

Unappreciated present

Ah well, it was great while it lasted. Had a fab few days here on my own, but Ellen came home this afternoon and now I have to share the house with her again.

While she was gone, I could go anywhere I wanted, in and out of the house.

Just so she'd appreciate me, I left her a little present in her study. After all, she spends so much time in there . . .

I was up on the edge of her desk -- just wishing she were here for a bit of extra food, lounging beside her keyboard -- and I needed to, well, you know, GO.

So I popped my rear over the edge of the desk and went!

It's becoming a favourite game of mine to watch Ellen sniff her way around the house when she gets home, looking for my present . . . She creeps around on her hands and knees, sniff sniff sniffing . . . And then with a yelp she finds it!

It's all cleaned up now. I don't think she liked my present much, actually.

Devilcat tip #9: feet & ankles

I thought I'd start off the new year with another devilcat tip -- on feet & ankles.

The first thing to remember (the only thing, really) is that ankles -- human ankles, that is -- are your enemy. For this reason, you must ATTACK whenever you see bare feet and ankles. ATTACK with claws and teeth. Pretend you are trying to disembowell the ankle and you should do fine.

The best thing is that the moment your human lifts his foot to get it out of the way -- there's the other foot to attack! They can't possibly win, except by lifting feet onto a chair, and boy do they look stupid then! He he he.

I should also add that drawing blood is perfectly OK. Your humans won't like it, and will probably shout at you, but this is about being a devilcat, after all!

NOTE: Any human who kicks you during your foot/ankle killing endeavours is evil and not worth your time, let alone devilcat skills. Leave such a human immediately and without regret. Find one who loves the devilcat persona within.

Neglected

I'm rather wondering why Ellen even bothered coming home. It's not as though she's been around much this week.

Do you think she'd notice if I didn't come home? I almost tried it this evening; I waited outside when she got home, instead of rushing inside for food, to see what she'd do.

But I couldn't last. I was too hungry. So I went in when she called, leaving her only mildly surprised.

Maybe I'll try again tomorrow.

Two things . . .

There are two things I want to mention today:

1. There is a huntsman spider in our house. Ellen didn't tell me about it at first, but I found it yesterday. It was sitting quite brazenly on the mirror in the bathroom, so of course I attacked it. Wriggly spiders are sooo much fun to play with! The best toys ever. But, alas, as spiders so often do, it got away. Now I think it is far too afraid to show itself again. I am pretending to ignore it for a few days, in order to lure it out again. Then we'll see!

2. My food supply is almost out! This is a cause for GRAVE concern. I heard Ellen say she was going to buy some today, but she came home without it. Instead, the food container is almost empty. In an attempt to make it through the next few days, in case Ellen forgets to buy food, I am rationing myself. Tonight I have only eaten half my dinner, just to make sure there is some left for the morning! This is TERRIBLE. I'm so HUNGRY.

(Maybe I'll have to eat that damned spider after all.)

Smelly feet

Gee, some felines are stupid!

Devilcat tip#3 - the best way to wake up humans

Take one claw, flex to test, then prod sleeping human anywhere on head or face. Cheek works well. Below eye is guaranteed. Scalp also very effective.

Be prepared for humans to try to stroke you in calmness, but don't be swayed! Sit on their pillow and, ever so deliberately, stick claw into skin.

This works. Every time. Take it from me.

Intruder face-down

I'm loving the warmer weather at the moment. Today I spent loads of time outdoors, but had to contend with some intruders over the back fence. I think they were supposed to be building something, but all I could hear was chattering and loud music. So disrespectful of locals! I found a good perch on our roof and watched them for much of the day. I think they found it unnerving. Maybe they'll be back tomorrow and I can look forward to terrorising them again!

I wanted to stay outside for the evening to see the eclipse of the moon tonight, but Ellen locked me inside and wouldn't let me out again so I missed it.

Take your clever kitty and . . .

Read this. Never was I more insulted in all my life. "Your cat can be trained to do tricks," they say. Well I'm not doing any tricks, that's for sure. If Ellen tries this on me, she won't know what's hit her!

Spoil sport

Had a new toy for a very short time. My mistake was sneaking inside with it. E got the wind up and worked out I was being sneaky. She crept over and snatched away my new toy and took it outside before I was done playing with it!

How did she know I had a toy? Maybe it was the way I bolted into a secret corner . . . Toys that move are so cool. If she had have been nice about it, I would have let her play too.

Instead, she's such a spoil sport.

Pushing the boundaries

In the past couple of days I have weed on Ellen's digital scales (that'll teach her to tell me I'm fat!) and on the floor beside the couch. She is still making me take a pill everyday -- although I think today is the last day.

Oh, and I also threw up all my food and a hairball.

It's been fun watching Ellen crawl around the floor every evening, nose to the floor, paper towel in hand, searching for my latest deposit. I think she's getting a bit sick of it though. If I don't watch myself, I might find myself booted out of home!

But I don't really think she'll do that, because when she's not grumbling, she's giving me cuddles, and telling me I'm beautiful.

That's when I attack her hand!

on the prowl

Ha! Got to stay out late again tonight. Ellen went out and instead of locking me in, I was out on the prowl. Sooo much nicer than being cooped up inside with nothing to do. I often see my neighbours (primarily white fluffball and ginger cat from down the drive, but also Oscar sometimes) out and about in the driveway after dark. It's like they're having a party but didn't invite me!

Cat and mouse

I finally found out why a computer mouse is called a mouse. (Although, it's more the size of a rat, really.) Anyway, you can play with it much as you do a mouse - it even has a long tail. The weird thing is that it even produces squeaking . . . although the squeaking comes mainly from Ellen as she tries to bat me away. Something about changing things on her computer?

Geez, you'd think she'd let me have some fun. She sits there, hour after hour, staring at the computer screen - caressing that damn mouse - you'd think she'd at least let me have fun with it too!

If she spoils my fun too much, I just chew on her wrist.

Bowled over by breakfast

A few weeks ago, Ellen starting eating cereal for breakfast. Now, every morning, she sits down at the table to eat. Naturally, I jump up on the table (to keep her company).

I'm sure it must be written down somewhere that all cats like special K. It's a given. So I cannot understand why Ellen doesn't let me have special K for breakfast too. Worse, she makes me eat on the floor (and don't get me started on those monstrous anti-hairball pellets she's got me on at the moment -- just because they were FREE).

Don't you think it would make more sense if we shared a bowl for breakfast? Less washing up, course. And such a companionable activity. She must know that I'd much rather a bowl of special K and milk. So tasty. But she won't let me near it. None of my tricksy head smooching manoeuvres will work. Every so often I get just close enough to inhale, and then she's batted my head away again.

It's just NOT FAIR!!

Butterfly effect

Last night I captured a butterfly and left it on the rug for Ellen to see. She thinks I meant it for a present, but that's a common misconception. Cats don't give presents. In truth, I left it there for a laugh to see what she'd do. It was quite disappointing really. She just picked it up by the wing and dropped it in the rubbish.

It certainly wasn't as good as when I left a dead rodent there last year. I will never forget her reaction that time!

But perhaps she's becoming immune to butterflies? The thing is, they're so much fun to catch. And this time of year, they're everywhere. Ah well, maybe I'd better see whether I can find another rodent . . .