Not dead

Tonight Ellen keeps asking me if I'm dead.

I suppose she could be forgiven for thinking I might be, because it's so HOT that all I can do is languish pathetically on the 'cool' timber floor.

But the lack of concern in her voice is disconcerting. Would she care if I was dead? I like to think she would.

Anyway, I'm not dead. Just Hot. And a little delirious. Obviously.

Crotchety neighbours

I'm not sure whether I should be amused or annoyed -- but I think I'm amused.

Ellen got an earful from some of the neighbours today -- not the nice friendly ones, but the crotchety elderly couple in unit 3. They accused me of defecating in their garden and making it all smelly so they can't open their window.

I mean, REALLY!

The only time I ever go out into the driveway is when Ellen lets me. She tried to explain that I only ever use the back garden (right under Ellen's window, in fact, and I've never heard her complain), but they wouldn't believe her.

Then they said they'd SEEN me. What liars! And then it turned out that they'd 'seen' me at 1am and Ellen was able to smugly tell them that I'm always locked in overnight (except for when she's away and leaves the cat door open, but she didn't mention that).

It all started getting quite nasty, with the little old woman moaning about how they were surrounded by cats on all sides (and this is in fact true, although why they had to pick on me when there are two other cats that practically live in our driveway), but then the old man started backing down and trying to be reasonable.

Who knows how it will all turn out. All I can say is that no neighbours are perfect, and it's not such a good idea to get people offside, particularly when everyone else is so chummy. Chug the spoodle next door will no doubt be the next one to incur their wrath. I saw him in their garden this afternoon . . . he'd better watch out!

0.4kg down

What a weird week. Scorchingly hot, and now rather cool. When it was hot, I didn't feel like eating much. And now it's cool, all I'm faced with is that dreadful -- well, I'm not going to go on about that anymore.

The good news is that I think I've actually lost some weight! Ellen weighed me this morning, and I'm down by 0.4kg, which as a percentage of my body weight is fairly significant. Cool, huh?

Ellen's friend Lita actually said I was looking good, and that it wasn't my fault I had a flabby tummy. I like her.

electric dreams

Thought you'd be interested to know that I've become rather attached to sleeping on top of the computer power transformer. Well, if Ellen will insist on sitting at her desk all the time, what else is a faithful feline to do but keep her company? I've tried her lap, but she gets wriggly. This way, I'm not in anybody's way and I get a nice warm buzz under my shoulder. Very soothing.

A week of freedom

Well I never expected to be left home alone for an entire WEEK! That's what it was in the end. A whole week! Ellen never would have done that before I was five.

The talking food contraption whirred and spat out my food. The first few times I thought Ellen had come home because it played a stupid little message from her. It didn't take long however for me to have it sussed. Humans really do underestimate our intelligence.

The only living human I saw in all that time (aside from neighbours pottering about in the driveway) was Sarah, who came to refill the whirring food contraption a few times. Other than that, no-one. Nothing.

My feline flap was left open for the entire time so I roamed at large when and where I wanted. So aside from the fact that Ellen turned the heating off and the house was freezing, I was quite comfortable. And when it got too cold, I just crawled under the doona.

She came home yesterday and lounged about on the sofa all day while I slept on my cushion. The first thing she did was feed me. The second thing she did was put on the heating! It was very companionable.

Even though I am more than capable of looking after myself (so long as I am fed), it is nice to have her home.

virtuoso devilcat

I've been back at my devilcat best this past week. Angelcat? BAH!

A notable event was my destruction of Ellen's bedside lamp. I'm not sure how it happened, but it ended up on the floor early one morning, glass shade shattered into a thousand pieces. You should have seen Ellen jump! (She had been asleep . . .) So E had to get out of the nice warm bed and clean it up.

And then this afternoon (he he he) E was making a nice bagel ready for grilling. She put tuna on it, so of course I wanted some too! I was up on the bench in a flash to drink the juice she left for me. But I finished that fast, so I cast around for some more. And then (he he) I realised I was covered in dirt after lounging in the garden bed, so I shook it all off. All over E's bagel! You should have heard her curse at me. She was not happy, no she wasn't.

Oh yeah, and I chucked up my food a few times this week as well. All in all, a fine devilcat performance!

You wanna know?

So I suppose you're all wondering what I've been doing? To tell the truth, I've been rather bored, because E hasn't been home much of late. It seems like she's always going out or getting home late. Bah, at least she remembers to feed me most of the time.

The weather is getting cooler now, so I'm spending more time indoors. I suppose I should be doing more exercise -- one of E's friends accused me of being fat the other day! Hmmph I don't think so!

Tonight me and E are sharing a companionable evening in front of the TV. It's nice when she's home, because I can snuggle up on her lap, or crawl under her doona cover. I absolutely hate it when she leaves me at home for a night on my own. But that hasn't happened in a while.

The other night she had one of those stupid party plan evenings. This time it was sheets and stuff. (I was eyeing off one of the rugs to sleep on.) The best bit was when a glass of wine got knocked over and splashed all over E's brand new doona! He he. They all scrambled to clean up the rug and the doona cover. But then she poured white powder stuff all over the carpet. Yuck!

So there you go.

sleep on the stomach

Damn and bother, I can't seem to get near Ellen's lap this evening. She's got her computer on her lap, so I have to make do with her stomach. I guess it's lucky that she's more or less stretched out!

I've had a nice day today, and I've just learnt that Ellen's going away yet again this weekend, so I'll be home alone again. It seems someone will come to make sure I have food. Probably her mum this time. We don't get along so well. I don't think she likes me too much.

Ellen's lap is actually quite comfortable. I don't suppose she'd be too happy to hear me say so!

Deviousness

Finally the mouse spirits decided to leave me alone, thanks be to the catgods. But that stupid human, Ellen, thought it might have had something to do with my bell, so she took it off. As if I would be scared of a pesky bell!

Nevertheless, I decided that no bell was a good thing, so when she put it on me again the other day, just to see whether it was the bell that had me hiding under the couch, I waited until I saw coming home up the driveway, and then I hid under her bed! This meant that she thought I'd been hiding all day, so she took the bell off again!

Man, I rock.

I'm in a pretty good mood today, because I've just had another whole weekend home alone. E went to the island without me again. I must say I rather like this gig with the cat door hole so I can come and go all day and all night exactly as I please.

New adornment

Maybe it was a complete coincidence, but on the weekend Ellen bought me a new collar. This one is pink with a fashionable design printed on it. Plus it has a safety release clasp (in case I get stuck and need to free myself -- as if!). Plus it has a BELL.

A BELL?!

Why the devil has she given me a bell? I haven't ever had a bell before. It's so damn annoying to hear a little tinkle every time you so much as twitch!

Actually, I exaggerate. She may think it's going to stop me from catching things, but the reality is that it's a poxy small bell that is pitifully easy to tame. I seriously don't believe it will curtail my hunting abilities.

And anyway, she tells me that she bought it because my old collar is worn out and about to break. This new one can't even fit my catdoor magnet, so I dunno what's going to happen when the door gets fixed.

I suppose it is fitting, now I am five, to have a nice shiny new collar. Aside from the blasted bell, it's actually rather attractive.

WIld fun and a workout

I had me some wild fun last night. Even better, Ellen was home, but couldn't do anything to stop me! It was the most fun I've had in ages.

It all started with this mouse I found. I'm not going to reveal where I got it from, because that would be telling, and I'm still hoping there might be others where that came from. This particular mouse was really stupid and, while E was out for the evening, I brought it inside to play with.

Mice are by far the most fun toys because they squeak and squeal and run away from you and hide and then (doh) sneak out when they think you're not looking and then when they realise you are looking, they squeak and they squeal . . . well, you get the picture.

Before Ellen came home, I hid the mouse in her wardrobe, and she didn't suspect a thing! Then, in the dead of night, when the coast was clear, I retrieved it and the fun began again!

The stupid mouse must've squeaked too loud, because E woke up and panicked a bit, but then she gave in to my magnificence and crawled back into bed, cowering.

I tell you that mouse gave me a good workout last night! What E should realise is that a mouse workout like that is much better than this stupid starvation diet she's trying to put me on. (I say 'trying', because all it takes is for me to annoy her too much and she gives in again.)

I thought about eating the mouse, but I didn't. I don't actually like the taste of mouse much, and I thought E would appreciate me giving it to her instead. A small token of apology for disturbing her sleep? Anyway, I left it on the floor and she can do with it as she wills.

It's still there, so I think she must be admiring it.

Lost opportunity

I might have known the freedom wouldn't last. There is, after all, a way to keep me inside. The pesky fly wire door. So I can see outside . . . I can SMELL and HEAR outside . . . I can even FEEL the air on my furry face.

But I cannot get outside.

Bother and damn.

Break for freedom

Last night, I achieved the ultimate in feline freedom. After years of being forced to stay in at night, deprived of the opportunity to defend my territory, constrained to hiss and yowl at intruders through the tiny window of my cat door . . . my cat door is no more.

Yep, that's right. One cat-fight-through-the-door too many, and the thing is broken. Wrenched off its hinges. Shattered in two. Leaving a beautiful hole in the main door through which I may come and go to my heart's content.

And my heart says that I should go outside during the night as often as I wish. That'll teach that pesky ginger cat intruder (Zim Zam)!

You should have seen Ellen's face this morning when she saw the debris. Perplexity. Resignation. And even mortification, as she realised that the cat fight she heard last night might actually have been me, when she thought I was snug and secure inside. Ha! That'll teach her.

Tucker chucker

This evening, I chucked up all my dinner at the front door. Dammit! I HATE chucking up my dinner for a number of reasons: 1) it leaves a gross taste in my mouth, 2) I end up hungry - although sometimes E gives me more food, 3) E usually leaves it there until I eat it up off the floor. I would so much rather she give me new food, but instead she makes me go hungry unless I eat up the stuff I've chucked! Disgusting.

It's all Ellen's fault for getting home late (9:30pm)! She then gave me all my dinner at once, instead of in small installments, and my stomach simply can't take it. Hence the chucking. If only she'd been patient and waited for me to eat installment number 1, followed by a 10 minute gap, before installment number 2. Definitely her fault.

Now I'm hungry and grumpy. Unless I go and see if the chucked up food is still there . . .

Forced into a corner

Was forced to use my litter tray this morning. Damn and hell, but E forgot to open my cat door at 6am when she fed me. After staring out dolefully for half an hour or so, I attempted to wake E up -- to no avail. She can be one deep sleeper! So eventually I was ready to burst and headed for the litter. I HATE using the litter tray! She had better put new stuff in, or I'm using the floor next time.

Back to normal

It's nice to have Ellen back, even if she goes to work all day and clacks away on her computer all evening. It's comforting clacking. (Come to think of it, she also made an awful racket with vacuuming this evening . . .)

The weekend was dull as. But at least I had visitors to dispense my food and open the cat door in the mornings. I could have wished they didn't bother shutting it at night again . . . the least E could have done was allow me to roam outside all night if she was off having fun elsewhere. It's not as though I can go hang out with my friends, if I'm stuck inside! (I do have friends - truly!)

But I survived [sigh] and I even refrained from peeing on the floor inside. She would've hated that and it would have served her right! But I didn't. Maybe Beth is teaching me some manners after all.

Devilcat tip #7 - bedroom behaviour

There are two different types of humans: those who allow us felines to sleep on their beds, and those who don't. I am very lucky to have a human who does allow me on the bed. In fact, she even allows me in the bed. The trick to maintaining devilcat status is to be unpredictable. The moment humans expect anything of you, you're doomed.

I mix up my bedroom behaviour. Sometimes, I'm there quite early, on the bed before E is asleep. Othertimes, I lurk around outside the bedroom, ignoring her inquiring calls, waiting to sneak in much later, in the middle of the night.

The other thing to mix up is location. There's the option of ON the bed. When choosing this option, it's essential to find a comfy warm position between your human's legs. This may sound rude, but if you're on top of the doona, it's fine. (It is also extremely irritating for your human, who is pinned and cannot move! I find it perpetually amazing how pathetic humans can be, not wanting to wake us up and all. Don't they know we wake and sleep both in a flash?)

If you want something even more cozy, there's the option of IN the bed. My favourite spot is between the doona and top sheet. That way, you're separate from your human, with all the benefits of being beneath the doona. You can also go under the sheet, but I don't recommend this as highly as the other option. Of course, if your human doesn't have a top sheet, you don't have a choice! When in the bed, the best spot is in the small of your human's back.

Always go towards the CENTRE of the bed, never the side. This way, you can nudge your human so far to the edge that they almost fall out!

If you're feeling particularly mischievious, you can head down towards the feet and attack. Most humans HATE this.

Finally, it's worth mentioning that beneath the doona is a brilliant place to sleep if you're feeling low. I find if I'm somewhere I'd rather not be (such as the island) I can slip under the doona and pretend I'm somewhere else. There's the added advantage that stupid humans can't find you! (I played this trick on T on the island recently. He he.)

Battery change

My cat door has a new battery in it. It's ABOUT TIME! For months and months I've been getting stuck outside, and all the time it was merely the battery that needed changing.

What does a cat door need a battery for? Well, it's to do with the magnet around my neck, that triggers a small mechanism in the door latch that allows it to open. When I come close, the latch is released and I can nudge it open with my head. The point is that none other of those pesky felines who keep invading my garden can get through the door. It's mine. All mine. Mine alone.

And praise be to the cat gods that my door worked today, for it was freezing. Spring was flushed out by a major gust of winter. Brrr.

Gardening pals

Ellen and I played together outside this afternoon. She crawled around the lawn on her hands and knees . . . (To be honest, I'm not sure what she was doing. She kept jabbing and thumping at the grass -- very odd behaviour) . . . while I chased insects and played with her gardening gloves, which smelt really fantastic!

Intruder face-down

I'm loving the warmer weather at the moment. Today I spent loads of time outdoors, but had to contend with some intruders over the back fence. I think they were supposed to be building something, but all I could hear was chattering and loud music. So disrespectful of locals! I found a good perch on our roof and watched them for much of the day. I think they found it unnerving. Maybe they'll be back tomorrow and I can look forward to terrorising them again!

I wanted to stay outside for the evening to see the eclipse of the moon tonight, but Ellen locked me inside and wouldn't let me out again so I missed it.